MOVING IN WITH A SIGNIFICANT OTHER

So it's been eight months, a year, three and a half, whatever, since you and a certain someone first met over a failed synthesis in chem lab, reached for the same slice of banana cream pie at the dining hall, traded witticisms at your favorite bar, and the fireworks began. You're madly in love, and pretty much spend every night together at one or the other of your pads. You start realizing that you're throwing away a lot of money each month, paying for two separate places. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to shack up. But before you say goodbye to your current roomies and begin perusing the rent ads for that perfect love nest, there are a few things you really should consider…

ready or not…?

There are a multitude of practical reasons why living together might seem like a sensible idea. You and your honey might be in the market for new digs at the same time; your current roommate might decide to move in with his girlfriend, leaving you with a spare room to fill, and a significant other who's willing to do so. Still, choosing to live together should be a decision that's based on something more than pure convenience. It might seem like a monumental hassle to have to do the great roommate search, but it's nowhere near as excruciating as having to continue to share an apartment with a person you've just broken up with, simply because neither of you has anywhere else to go. Seriously, feeling too lazy to interview roommates is not, in and of itself, the strongest basis on which to move your relationship to the next level of commitment. Moving in together is a big, big step in a relationship, and jumping into it before you're both emotionally and psychologically ready is a really fabulous way to sabotage an otherwise promising thing you've got going.

For one thing, sharing house means sharing bills -- and that means becoming financially tied together for the first time. Your sweetie's lavish spending might have seemed romantic back in the days when you were just enjoying all the swanky restaurants and pricey gifts, but when you realize that it sometimes means there's not enough money for little things like, oh, rent, you suddenly find yourself turning into the annoying nag who's always chiding about money.

There's also the privacy factor: when you're living together, neither one of you has an obvious place to go to be alone. No matter how crazy about each other you lovebirds are, there will be times when you want to have the freedom to do your own thing, in your own space, with your own pals, on your own time. And that's totally healthy: the happiest, strongest couples I know are the ones where each half has a solid sense of who he or she is as an individual. If this is your first grown-up relationship, if you've never spent any real time apart from each other, if you've only been dating a few months, you might be so wrapped up in the thrill of couple hood that you forget to allow yourselves to explore outside interests, friendships, and adventures. And while that might feel cozy at the beginning, eventually, one or the other of you is going to start feeling stifled -- all the more so if you're stuck in a cramped one-bedroom apartment where it feels impossible to let out a breath without the other person taking note. It might sound strange, but you sort of need to learn to be alone before you can be really good at being together. Otherwise, you're just begging for real problems in the future. Still, as long as you go into the move with a clear understanding that sharing a roof doesn’t have to mean losing your individual selves, making the transition to living together can make a good relationship even better.

hash it out

Communicating clearly from the very beginning about what you both expect out of the living arrangement is key to making sure that you don't end up wanting to throttle one another six months down the line. First and foremost of the issues that you should lay on the table: money. Will you be splitting all bills 50/50, or will it be based upon your individual incomes? Will one of you choose to take care of the electricity and the water, another the telephone and the gas? What about shopping for groceries, and paying for new furnishings for your digs? Will you maintain separate bank accounts, or set up a joint bank account with which to pay for the apartment expenses? If you're setting up a joint account, how much will you each contribute from your monthly paycheck, and will you discuss things before buying anything using money from the shared account? There's no one right answer for how to deal with the financial situation, but it is absolutely imperative that you come to an agreement that makes you both comfortable.

Making the decision to live together can have some serious implications for the status of your relationship too. Are you on the same page about what living together means in terms of commitment? Is this a step on the way to marriage, or is marriage not something you believe in? Don't get all coy about addressing what living together really means for both of you -- now is NOT the time to worry about whether you're going to freak out your partner if you start talking about a long-term shared future.

See, when you finally do take the plunge and shack up, any final facades have to come down: you see each other exactly as you really are, because it's just way too exhausting to put on your happy-smiley-perfect face 24/7. And that's both the good and the bad of living together. Because if you're still thrilled to wake up next to each other every morning despite the fact that the dirty socks piled on the floor drive you crazy and your detached hairs forming an unintentional new rug grosses him out, then you know. This relationship: it's a keeper.